#64: Superman is corny and horny
Death By Consumption
7/22/25 - 7/28/25
I know I complained about the heat last week, but, girl: the heat! Would you believe me if I said our ConEd bill for the month was $450?!?! Four hundred and fifty dollars! For electricity! Luigi Mangione, I have another job for you... (Our bills are always higher than typical because the scammers who built this building didn't put insulation in the walls LOL; turns out they bribed the government to get it falsely marked up to code, and now we are paying the price every month. City of dreams, baby!!!)
This week: I saw the new comic book movie and was horrified to learn it's a comic book movie, I made Justin finally watch my all-time favorite film, I did some stoner cooking, and I said goodbye to my beloved cast of criminals and alcoholics and sex pests on the season 2 finale of The Valley.
Superman (2025) — at Nitehawk Prospect Park
The thing I had to keep reminding myself, as I watched Superman, was that this is a movie for children. All the press and reactions to the film will have you thinking otherwise (the gaybaiting press tour! All the furious Israelis!) but every comic book movie is, ultimately, a movie for kids, and Superman — to its credit! — makes it very, very clear from the jump that this is no different. In the first five minutes you meet Superman's flying dog, who was obviously designed to launch a thousand merch lines, and so you know pretty immediately what you're getting into. And yet I found myself completely bewildered by the whole experience.
It took some extremely difficult mental adjustments for me to sink into the film. Things just keep happening, with new characters introduced nearly every 5 minutes, until literally the very last scene of the movie. I'm not joking: in the final 5 minutes, we meet one of Superman's relatives, a brand new character played by one of the House of the Dragon actors, and I was just sitting there like... did we meet her before? Who is this? Has she always been here? Where am I? Is there another hour left in this film? Just as quickly as she arrived, she disappeared, and the credits rolled. I assume her appearance was to lay the seeds for a sequel or a spinoff, but those sorts of sudden character introductions happen from beginning to end of the film. You can sense the studio's desperation to generate a full universe's worth of money-making characters from a mere 2-hour film, and it's all the worse off for it. It's a lot to take in! I felt like I was 85 years old watching Superman, just going, "Huh?? Who's that??" every couple of minutes. If you watch this at home and glance at your phone for even a second, you'll miss 25 new characters, and you'll be lost for the rest of the movie.
And since this is a James Gunn film — most famous for Guardians of the Galaxy, which created its own brand of extremely lame humor that has proliferated throughout cinema and is slowly driving me insane — Superman has the typical wacky, corny James Gunn tone. It's often grating (and the jokes are, really, pretty lame), but at least with Superman this tone kind of works? This is a man in a red spandex diaper, after all, who's apparently unrecognizable behind a pair of glasses — it's not exactly serious material, nor should it ever be treated that way. So while the humor is that obnoxious Marvel style that I've come to absolutely loathe (you know the type — it's the kind of film where, say, a talking alien shaped like a cactus or whatever could say something like, "Um, who gave the baby a galactic blaster???"), at least the tone fits in this universe.
And, as opposed to Guardians of the Galaxy, which relies on the "comedy" of the demonic entity known as Chris Pratt, at least the humor in Superman is coming from the mouth of David Corenswet, someone whose name I literally did not know two weeks ago but who I now have a crush on. He's surprisingly charming and great at the role, perfectly straddling that classic, sexually confusing Superman thing of being really lame but kind of hot at the same time — corny but also horny, the Superman special!
The plot, while mostly nonsensical, is — as you may have heard from the whining from conservative media over the past few weeks — semi-ripped from the headlines, which is by far the best part of the whole film. Superman, you see, has gotten involved in a tricky international situation, in which a militarily powerful country (funded by billions of dollars' worth of US weapons) is invading and committing genocide against a poor nation it borders, in order to kill everyone so billionaires like Lex Luthor can develop the land into a beachside resort. Sound familiar? This is why right-wing media has been screaming about this movie all month and, I'm sorry, but it's so funny to me that Eddington thought it would be the movie that would drive everyone insane this summer, when it actually turned out to be Superman. Ari Aster must be furious!!!! Defeated at his own game by a movie for children.
I was genuinely shocked that a major blockbuster would go there so blatantly — I truly didn't think the studios had it in them! Sure, the bar is low, and it's not like they ever use the names "Israel" or "Palestine" in the film (and James Gunn has said he wrote it before October 7, for what it's worth — not that this shit started on October 7!!!!!), but the parallels are unmistakeable while watching, as evidenced from the complete meltdown in conservative media since it was released. And, really, even if it wasn't written to mirror the genocide in Gaza, you'd think Israel's supporters would take this moment to wonder why they see themselves so easily in a fictional portrayal of armored men with rifles pointed at childrens' heads. Maybe that's something to explore inside yourself! I, for one, have never watched a fictional movie about a fictional genocide and wondered, "Is this about me???" and I suggest most decent people haven't either. So if you do think this movie is about you, I think that's something you should really, really think about. They're so close to figuring it out!
So, as I said: a lot happens in this movie. You've got wacky fart jokes, a genocide, and a newer, hornier Superman. It's an uneven movie, a bold swing for what it is, but also an overwhelming assault on the senses. But I would be remiss if I didn't say my enjoyment level wasn't somewhat dragged down by the audience in our theater. I know it's been said a lot, but people these days really do not know how to act in public!!! This is a movie for children, as I said, but that's no reason to act like children when you see it. And unfortunately we were seated by the kind of people who think everyone is there to appreciate their live commentary track.
The couple next to us, I swear, did not watch a second of the film they paid $20 to see — he kept up a stream-of-consciousness monologue at full volume, while she scrolled on Instagram. And on the other side was a group of 2 couples (one gay, one straight, because true equality means anyone can be fucking annoying in public), who felt the script's humor needed some punch-up work, which they were happy to provide for us all. At one point, Lex Luther screams in frustration and the straight guy yelled, "ME WHEN THEY GET MY ORDER WRONG!" and his girlfriend thrashed with hysterical laughter in the seat next to me. I only tolerated their behavior because, again, this was a movie for children — but the idea of people behaving like this during, say, Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey, has me thinking I should start bringing a taser to the theater.
Harold and Maude (1971) — purchased on Apple
"This movie is going to explain my personality to you," I said to Justin, before making him watch Harold and Maude for the first time. I, somehow, had not forced him to sit down and watch it in our 8+ years together, despite it being my instinctual reaction to the always stressful "favorite movie?" question. I didn't know if it could even count as my favorite movie, having not seen it in so long — had I changed too much? Would I find it unbearably schlocky or overly stylized? Would I be embarrassed by my teenage sensibilities, which were so easily shaken and shaped by the film when I first discovered it?
I'm happy to report it still stands the test of time. It's still sweet and sharp, anchored by Bud Cort's deeply off-putting Harold, and Ruth Gordon's truly flawless Maude (not to mention the iconically named Vivian Pickles, whose performance as Harold's mother is one of the funniest in any movie — the scene when she answers his dating questionnaire for herself!!). Its extremely simple and rather basic message could have been a fatal flaw, but it's made all the more poignant by the absurd tone in which it's delivered. And, you know what? I do think it explains my personality — though I now don't know which came first, me or the movie? In other words: did the film's dark humor shape me, or did it speak to a part of me that was always there? Impossible to know, and who cares, really. Happy to report it's still my favorite movie.
Chile crisp fettuccini alfredo with spinach — from NYTimes Cooking
Okay this recipe is just straight-up stoner food: 4 tablespoons of butter, a full-ass cup of heavy cream, a pound of pasta, a couple scoops of chile crisp for spice, and then, at the end, a few handfuls of spinach to make yourself feel better. I added garlic and mushrooms to the butter at the start, and I very much did not regret it. I swear I never do this (, he lied) but I cooked this while smoking a joint and I also did not regret it — the recipe truly called for it. In retrospect, this might not have been the best meal to eat when it's 100 degrees out, but on the other hand I already feel disgusting all the time, so why not lean into it?
The Valley, season 2 finale — on Bravo
Below are my thoughts on the important characters of season 2 of the greatest television show ever conceived and produced, a testament to true American psychopathy, and the only reality show that seems destined to end in some sort of bloody shootout with multiple innocent lives lost: Bravo's The Valley.
Kristen: A true phoenix rising from the ashes of her own self-immolation. It felt genuinely good to see Kristen end a season happily for ONCE. May she continue to torment Janet for years to come. Can you imagine if Kristen Doute had been born before television was invented? Just living her iconic life, with none of us any the wiser??? We are so, so lucky to have been born at the same time as Kristen Doute; this is what the apostles must have felt after they saw the tomb was empty. I'm going to remove a kidney and send it to Kristen right now, just in case she ever needs one.
Janet: This wannabe reality star is getting on my nerves!!! I think Janet is still necessary to the show, but she needs to accept that she is the villain, not the hero. You were born awful and you'll always be awful, Janet, so lean into it!
Zack: Unexpectedly became one of my favorites. The whole cast is insane, but Zack is insane in a special, delightful way. His silent boyfriend is a flop, though. I want to see Zack single, and dating a series of increasingly strange men. If I were a TV exec, I'd have already greenlit Zack as the first-ever Gay Bachelor.
Jesse: A more subdued Jesse this season (despite it being a season in which he accused the mother of his child of being a high-paid escort) (this show is really not okay). I think Jesse is the closest we have to a real-life American Psycho, and yet I find I can't resist him..............
Michelle: First of all, I need to give Michelle credit: "Why is a gay guy sending you money?!" has to be one of the funniest things anyone has ever screamed at their husband, and she should win an award for that. But beyond that, I very much believe something terrifying lurks beneath Michelle's surface that we have yet to see, and while I understand why the cast mostly gave her a break this season, I need them to put the pressure on her next season. Is she a racist Republican? Is she an escort? Did she date Quentin Tarantino? The people demand an investigation!
Danny: I have never trusted Danny since I first met him, and that was before I knew he and Nia went to Mosaic Church. I am no supporter of Janet, but I felt insane all season watching her accuse Danny of groping multiple women and getting kicked out of bars and his defense being, basically, "I only did that a couple times!" And everyone was like, "See, Janet?? He's fine." Is he, though?
Nia: Even though Nia is 99% aligned with Danny at all times, and has even more intense Christian energy than him, I give her a pass on all of it and I love her. I don't care, I don't care, I'm just always going to side with a woman (not you, Janet).
Brittany: I'm so happy she has Cruz, and her divorce papers, and SHOTS.
Jax: Rosemary's Baby was about how Jax was conceived. No one can do the kind of psychological damage that Jax can. Even knowing we share the same planet is unsettling. They should keep Jax in handcuffs on the International Space Station and only let him touch down on Earth to film a reality show every once in a while. And I know this makes me part of the problem considering we saw him verbally abuse his wife all season, but... I really wish he wasn't leaving the show. We need him! If for no other reason than surveillance — imagine what he'll get up to now that the cameras aren't following him?! Forget wildfires, a single Jax with no public accountability is the greatest threat to LA right now. If you're reading this in LA right now, Jax Taylor could be right behind you. Stay safe!